Come, to the Suave Side
by ObsidianMist
Summary: A parody and humor fic about Suave Shampoo, Millardo Peacecraft, and Dorothy. Also provides one possible analysis for why Millardo decided to destroy the Earth.


Suave Shampoo Parody  
  
We see Millardo Peacecraft and Dorothy Catalonia going over various battle schematics. There heads are bent in concentration over a desk. Suddenly, a booming voice intrudes the room.  
  
Announcer: Both these women have long, shiny hair. Both have volume and softness. But one of these women uses suave shampoo while the other spends nearly three times as much on Paul Mitchell. Which one is which? Well, if you can't tell the difference, why should we?  
  
Millardo and Dorothy wear stunned expressions on their faces as they look vainly for the source of the voice.  
  
Dorothy: This is horrible! How dare Maurice tell them what hair care products I use! Is there no privacy?!  
  
Millardo: What in the hell just happened? I can't believe it!  
  
Dorothy: I know, how could anyone infiltrate our defenses? The Libra isn't the FBI, for crying out loud. And why would they choose to hack us in such an unusual fashion?  
  
Millardo: No, I mean how could anyone call me a woman? I'm a man! As if it wan't enough to hear it from OZ! Even that damn Quinze calls me "girly boy." I am a good soldier, and a fine pilot, why do they tease me so?  
  
The Lightning count looks like he is about to cry. Dorothy looks with confusion at the leader of the White Fang.  
  
Dorothy: [In an admonishing tone.] Mr. Peacecraft, please pull yourself together for the sake of the soldiers.  
  
Millardo: [Raises his head to scan the empty room.] But no one is even here.  
  
Dorothy: [Sighs in disgust and disappointment.] A soldier must always put up a brave front, no matter what. A true warrior never lets tears run down his face. One must fight valiantly, without a cloud of sadness hanging over them. A real man always….  
  
Dorothy rambles off a long list of noble qualities, heedless of the fact that he is trying to ignore her. Millardo then gives her an evil glare, but to no avail.  
  
Millardo: Why did I ever let her on board? I shoulda shot down her ship whin I had the chance. She is sooo annoying. Figures, since she spent all that time with Relena.  
  
Both are now talking, in effect to only themselves.  
  
Announcer: Suave, don't you look smart?  
  
M + D: What?!  
  
Both stop their babblings and try to locate the source of the apparently invisible presenter.  
  
Millardo: We really need to fix the speaker system, it appears to have been brokent into.  
  
Dorothy: That's not our only problem. We just we're used in an endorsement for free. Persons of our rank deserve sufficient compensation for product placements. And if we are to sell anything, it must be deserving of our praise.  
  
Millardo: And now, I must say farewell, suave shampoo, I can no longer be your friend.  
  
He flips his long, platinum hair back as a signal of dismissal.  
  
Announcer: Zechs, come back to me. This world needs you, I need you. We can no longer allow senseless washings by worthless people.  
  
Millardo: The moment you called me a female, our association was ended. And to use my name to peddle products? [Shakes head sadly.] I thought you were above such things.  
  
Dorothy: Geez, this is getting weird. [She then brushes off her dress and smiles broadly for the benefit of the ad, no point in not looking one's best she thought.]  
  
Announcer: Come, Zechs, come to the Suave side.  
  
Millardo: My name is no longer "Zechs." As I have discarded my mask, so to did I discard my loyalties.  
  
Announcer: You're only deluding yourself if you actually believe that. You can change your name, let the world see your face; but in your heart, you will always be a proud suave user.  
  
Dorothy: [To herself.] Why is this all so melo-dramatic? And what is going on between them? They seem to know one another.  
  
Millardo: The times are changing, and not even you can control what path fate will take. I may once have devoted myself to your cause, but that is no longer. If you want your life spared, get off my ship. [With the last sentence, he bangs his fist down on the control panel.] 


End file.
